Every time when I look at the long scar on my left inner ankle, the memory happened 12 years ago has still remained vividly clear inside my mind…
It was a sunny weekday afternoon, I asked for my uncle's permission for going out with my new pink scooter, my birthday present at 10, after we finished our lunch at home. Scooter was a hot item at that time, every child as me just couldn't wait to have one once it hit the market. I was too excited to go riding my scooter outside. After riding 2 blocks away, I met my primary school classmate Harry on a pavement accidently. And he was with his blue scooter too. "The pavement isn't busy, why don't we have a race then?" he asked after few chats. "Sure! Why not?!" I said with excitement. We went to a street and set our starting point and goal. "Okay you ready?" he asked, "Yay!" I replied. "Alright, so 3,2,1… Go!" We counted down loudly. The goal was in the end of the street, and it took around 3 minutes to finish if riding in high speed. After it started, the only one thing in my mind was to ride faster and faster, I desired to win. And… here is the accident happened. I rode as fast as Harry at first, but I started falling behind on halfway. Since I was too focus on riding my scooter as fast as possible, I didn't notice there were something hurt my foot, or any pain. There is a sharp part on the edge of the scooter pedal; my uncle has always asked me to beware of it when riding though. I kept riding in high speed toward the goal; I still didn't feel any pain but somewhere very cool down on my foot, but the goal was just in front of me, I even didn't have any chance to look at what happened down there. Sadly, Harry reached the goal first, he turned at me and showed me a complacent face to tell he won. On the next second, his face changed… "Becky, stop!" He yelled with a face shocking expression. I stopped immediately, and wanted to find out what's happened my left feet still feeling so cool… I looked down instinctively, and there was a band of red... and I turned around, there was bloody, literally. My foot was bleeding… It was cut by the shape edge of my scooter. I looked at Harry, and didn't know what couldn't I do for next but just stood in shocked silence. I passed out on the street, as I was too afraid. The next moment I remember is waking up after a surgery, and my uncle sat right next to me. My uncle told me that there was a woman from the neighbourhood sent me into the hospital, and my classmate Harry fled after I passed out as the woman said. The cut was pretty deep as it needed 10 stiches, but fortunately it didn't hurt the main tendon.
My uncle blamed me hardly after, and this accident taught me a lesson I'll never forgot. Every time when I look at the long scar on my left inner ankle, the memory has still remained vividly clear inside my mind…
1.I like how you used lots of dialogues such as "Alright, so 3,2,1… Go!", because it made the writing more alive.
ReplyDelete2.I think you are talking about an incident you had as a child and a lesson you learned from it.
3.I like the part where you wrote 'On the next second, his face changed…'. I especially like the '...'s, because they add a sense of anxiety and curiousity. I think their use was a great choice.
4. I am a bit confused about the last part of your writing. Did you intentionally finished the writing by using the same sentence of the beggining? I think if used properly, it can bring the readers much impact. But in my opinion, the writing can be improved if you just write another sentence or use different words in the same sentence.
5. I think by using too much commas, the meaning of some sentences become somewhat unclear. For example, I think you can split your first line of the second paragraph into two. I believe if they are improved, it will be a much easier for the readers to read.
Choi Hyo-jung
Hi I enjoyed reading your story and here is my feedback : it's not about contents of the story but I think it would have been better to read your story if you had splited the middle paragraph :) and by using " "(direct quotation), like "The pavement isn't busy, why don't we have a race then?" and so on, the story became more vivid!
ReplyDeleteJihee Amy Won
To Becky Lee from Na Shil Hwang
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that it has a good flashback story which gives
it a good life and a beginning.
2. Your main point seems to be your memory with your scar
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful - 12 years ago has still remained vividly
clear inside my mind..
and I like them because it was a like to a flashback or memory.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved
(meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems to be mixed up,
not lively):
I think that the first paragraph is too short, there could be a bit more explanation
I was "too " excited to go riding my scooter outside - unclear
and... "here " is the accident happened - unclear
I kept riding in high speed toward the goal;
I still didn't feel any pain but somewhere very cool down on my foot,
but the goal was just in front of me,
I even didn't have any chance to look at what happened down there.
- I think this sentence is too long
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in
this piece of writing is even though this writing was very good and I felt like
I was a part of it, I think that the ...'s be left out and I think that you should separate your
middle paragraph into more parts.
I gave wrong comments : ( So I'll just add up to the ones I already have!
Deleted. you mostly used past tense in your writing but occasional changes were actually quite confusing :(
e. I would like to know more about how long it took for you to recover.
Every time when I look at the long scar on my left inner ankle, the accident was happened 12 years ago has still remained vividly clear inside my mind…
ReplyDeleteIt was a sunny weekday afternoon, I asked for my uncle’s permission for going out with my new pink scooter, my birthday present at 10, after we finished our lunch at home. Scooter was a hot item at that time, every child as me just couldn’t wait to have one once it hit the market. I was so excited to go riding my scooter outside. After riding 2 blocks away, I met one of my primary school classmates Harry on a pavement accidently. And he was with his blue scooter too.
“The pavement isn’t busy, why don’t we have a race then?” he asked me after few chats. “Sure! Why not?!” I replied with excitement. Then, we went into a street and set our starting point and goal together. “Okay you ready?” he asked, “Yay!” I replied. “Alright, so 3,2,1… Go!” We counted down out loud. The goal was in the end of the street, and it took around 3 minutes to finish the whole way if riding in high speed. After we got started, the only one thing in my mind was to ride faster and faster, I desired to win.
And… here is how the accident started to happen. I rode as fast as Harry at first, but I realized that I started falling behind on the halfway. I tried to ride as fast as possible to catch Harry up, so I haven’t never think about any words my uncle told me. There is a sharp part on the edge of the scooter pedal; my uncle has always reminded me to beware of it when riding my scooter. Since I was just too focus on riding more faster toward the goal; , I didn’t notice there was something hurt my foot, but somewhere down on my foot was feeling very cool. The goal was just in front of me, I even didn’t have any chance to look at what happened down there. Sadly, Harry reached the goal first; he turned at me and showed me a complacent face to tell he won. On the next second, his face changed…
“Becky, stop!” He yelled with a face shocking expression. I stopped immediately, and wanted to find out what's happened my left foot still feeling so cool… I looked down instinctively, and there was a band of red... I turned around, there was bloody, literally. My foot was bleeding… It was cut by the shape edge of my scooter. I looked at Harry, and didn't know what could I do for next but just stood in shocked silence. I passed out right on the street, as I was scared. The next moment I remember was waking up in the hospital after a surgery, and my uncle sat right next to me. He told me that there was a woman from the neighbourhood sent me into the hospital after the accident happened, and my classmate Harry fled after I passed out on the street as the woman said. The cut was pretty deep as it needed 10 stiches, but fortunately it didn’t hurt the main tendon.
My uncle blamed me hardly after, and this accident taught me a lesson I’ll never forgot. After 12 years later, that long scar is still with me. Every time when I look at the mark on my left inner ankle, I can’t help to flashback the whole happening in my mind…