| "Baaaaaw. Baaaw." The sound of crying echoed around the village in 5 a.m. in one severely cold winter day. It was in 1994 when my father's business collapsed. The harsh winter wind invaded our family and deprived us of happiness. In that time, I was four-year old and my younger brother was a five-month old baby. My parents had to endure all hardships to protect us in a safe fortress. In that painful situation, the only medicine they could depend on was religion. They used to attend morning prayer meetings. The meeting took for about one hour which was not much long, so my parents left me and my younger brother in our home. He usually slept well until parents came back, but sometimes he woke up and cried a lot. Whenever he cried, I also woke and tried to stop him from crying. This is my vividest and earliest memory I can remember because it was too hard time for such a young girl. I copied what my mother had done when my brother cried. I mixed some powdered milk with warm water, spilling it all around. But, I could not measure the quantity, so it was always too watery. Also, I took off his diaper like my mother, but I didn't know how to put a new one on. After that, I played children's songs to calm himself. Despite these great efforts, hushing him to sleep always ended in failure. Once the parents came back, I cried more loudly than my brother in my sorrow. Looking back then, I think it was the first time when I felt responsibility toward my brother. These experiences made me stronger than any other girls of the same age. Furthermore, it formed a strong sister-brother bonding. For now, the baby grew to a man and entered the army. However, because of these memories, I sometimes treat him like a child though he is a respectable man now. Anyway, our relationship is still intimate and he is always thankful to me. |
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Suhan Lee/The first draft/Tues 3-4
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Hi, Suhan Lee. I like your opening part! And I could picture your story in my mind very vividly and I definitely grasp what you learned from your past experience. It was quite moving :)
ReplyDeleteJHI 201103388
To Suhan Lee From CJH Assignment First Draft
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is: that it is touching and descriptive enough for me to imagine.
2. Your main point seems to be that: this experience first made you feel responsibility and that through this experience your relationship with your brother became much stronger.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines: I like them because:
1. I copied what my mother /It shows that you were really trying to pacify your brother.
2. I cried more loudly than my brother in my sorrow. /It shows that you were really worried perhaps and you were relieved to see your parents.
3. stronger than any other girls of the same age /It shows that this experience had a strong impact on you as a little girl
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
Lines or parts: Need improving because:
in 5am
deprived us of happiness.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is: maybe correcting some grammar errors. Overall, I enjoyed reading your story. :)
To Suhan Lee From Sung Young Jang Assignment First draft
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that the way you specified what you did for your crying brother made your writing more fruitful and made t easy to imagine.
2. Your main point seems to be the difficulties you had during a young point in your life.
3. These particular words struck me as powerful :
Despite these great efforts, hushing him to sleep always ended in failure.
The way you mentioned your efforts as "great" came to me as strong as the small chores you did were actually very difficult and hard for such a small child.
4. These lines could be improved :
the only medicine they could depend on was religion.
I think that the word medicine may be a bit strong. I understand what you were intending, but I feel like there may be a better word for it.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is fix a few grammatical errors such as "not much long(not very long)" or " Looking back then(looking back,)".
Oral Peer Response From Han Gyul Kim To Suhan Lee
ReplyDeletea. The exact year you wrote made me think that your experience is real.
b. I think there weren’t any places to get confused.
c. I think your first paragraph made good beginning. When I read it, I was curious about what is going to follow it.
d. Past tense is the basic verb tense in this writing. I think it is appropriate.
e. It might be nice to write about how you treated your brother with a sense of responsibility these days.
"Baaaaaw. Baaaw." The sound of crying echoed around the village at 5 a.m. in one severely cold winter day.
ReplyDeleteIt was in 1994 when my father's business collapsed. The harsh winter wind invaded our family and deprived us of happiness. In that time, I was four-year old and my younger brother was a five-month old baby. My parents had to endure all hardships to protect us within a safe fortress. In that painful situation, the only thing that my parents could depend on was a religion. They used to attend morning prayer meetings. The meeting took for about one hour which was not very long, so my parents left me and my younger brother in our home when they went to the church.
He usually slept well until parents came back, but sometimes he woke up and cried a lot. Whenever he cried, I also woke up and tried to stop him from crying. This is my vividest and earliest memory I can remember because it was too hard time for such a young girl. I copied what my mother had done when my brother cried. I mixed some powdered milk with warm water, spilling it all around. But, I was too young to measure the quantity, so it was always too watery. Also, I took off his diaper as my mother had done, but I didn't know how to put a new one on. So, the little baby was crying with his naked bottom. After that, I played children's songs to calm himself. Despite these great efforts, hushing him to sleep always ended in failure. Totally exhausted, I cried more loudly than my brother in my sorrow when the parents came back.
Looking back, I think it was the first time when I felt responsibility toward my brother. These experiences made me stronger than any other girls of the same age. Furthermore, it formed a strong sister-brother bonding. For now, the baby grew to a man and entered the army. However, because of these memories, I sometimes treat him like a child though he is a respectable man now. Anyway, our relationship is still intimate and he is always thankful to me.