The air was hot and humid, just as any other summer morning, as I rose from my dorm bed. My small room appeared as it had always been, messed and comfy. The atmosphere trembled with a hint of excitement telling me the day had come. My roommate was already up, as usual, getting dressed in front of the mirror with care. "Can't believe you're still sleeping." he said, with a sleepy smile. "Come on. It's gonna be a busy day" I murmured something on the lines of "Too tired, couldn't sleep." as my lazy body walked itself to the showers with a bundle of clean towels in hand. As the water hit my body, it didn't take long to remember that today was the long awaited school festival.
I was in my second year of high school and it was a day of great anticipation, yearned by everybody. Our school festival goes by the same routine every year, 1st grader performances in the morning, booths in every classroom, something special for lunch musicals in the big halls, and a final stage at night, a night of passion. Similar routines get dull after a year or two, but who would refuse a day away from the heated classroom, the agonizing numbers, ongoing lectures, and disapproving looks? This day was a day of freedom, and all the more so as we have practiced for this day a long time.
Now, I don't know if everybody goes up on their first stage voluntarily, but going up on the stage was almost mandatory for us in high school. Every second year student had to participate in the class competition at night, which was set on the biggest stage our school had. Having a thousand eyes look at you while you're on stage is not an everyday thing and the thought of it gave my heart a rush. The afternoon went on full of fun and games and the night came quickly. We were all excited and nervous as last minute checks were made. Halls were busy with people screaming "How do I look?", "Where's my shoe? I had it hear a minute ago!" and so on. Everyone was panicking as the time ticked closer.
When I finally made it up the stage my head was completely blank. The audience was covered in darkness and I couldn't see anything at all. As the music thundered through the hall I tried my best to focus on what I had practiced so hard on. My mind was never on the audience, I could barely see them making it easy to focus on the stage only. The time flew by as we did one repertoire after another. As I got to the last few moments I was able to relax and enjoy the screams, gleaming lights, and rush of my heart. As I took light steps down the stage I realized that I had had more fun than I could have imagined, and as I looked back on the stage, it looked a bit more friendly than it did yesterday.
Going up on the stage was mandatory, but it was an unforgettable experience that I believe, changed me a lot. Now I know the excitement of the stage, and what it feels to go in front of so many people. Not only was it fun, but it gave me courage that would help me out for the rest of my life, and I am grateful for the exhilarating night that came by my way.
To Sung Young Jang From Gui Hwan Kim Assignment First draft
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that you use very vivid words to describe the atmosphere. Your use of adjectives to describe the air, color, mood and other feelings are creative.
2. Your main points seems to be you had to participate in a school performance during the school festival, but you had a little stage fright. It seems you wanted to write about an experience of yourself overcoming an unexpected situation.
3. "The atmosphere trembled with a hint of excitement telling me the day had come." I like this sentence because of how you described the atmosphere with excitement. It really sounds like you and many others at school were very excited for the festival.
4."My mind was never on the audience, I could barely see them making it easy to focus on the stage only." I do not quite understand what you mean by your mind was never on the audience. Does it mean you went on stage thinking there was no audience? The first part of the sentence could be more lively by describing how the audience looked like from the stage.
5. One of the biggest improvements you can make is to check up on your punctuation and sentence order. Also some of you adverbs and adjectives are used in the wrong form such as "messed."
To Sung Young Jang From Suhan Lee Assignment the First draft
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that your expressions make me feel like I am reading a piece of novel. Your sentence structures, expressions, and the use of words are quite splendid.
2. Your main points seems to be your exciting experience during school festival enabled you to enjoy standing on the stage in front of many people.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
-I murmured something on the lines of "Too tired, couldn't sleep." as my lazy body walked itself to the showers with a bundle of clean towels in hand.
I like this line because I think it is a polished sentence and the expressions are creative.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning nor clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
-Now, I don't know if everybody goes up on their first stage voluntarily, but going up on the stage was almost mandatory for us in high school.
I think this sentence is quite unclear. Does it mean going up on the stage is volunteer participation or mandatory?
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is some grammar or spelling mistakes such as "panicking(panicked)" and "had it hear(here)"
Oral Peer Response; To Sung Young Jang From Haeung Jung(201003223)
ReplyDeletea. Direct quotation in first paragraph(Conversation with roommate) made this experience seem real to me.
b. "something special for lunch musicals in the big halls, and a final stage at night, a night of passion." I was confused what lunch musicals means. Does it means musical performed in lunch time or Is the name of musical 'lunch'?
c. Yes, it seems real.
d. You usually use past verb tense. I think it's right.
e.What did you feel when you able to relax and enjoy the scream. I want to know more about the feeling at that time.
Dancing on the stage
ReplyDeleteThe air was hot and humid, just as any other summer morning, as I rose from my dorm bed. My small room appeared as it had always been, messed and comfy. The atmosphere trembled with a hint of excitement telling me the day had come. My roommate was already up, as usual, getting dressed in front of the mirror with care. "Can't believe you're still sleeping." he said, with a sleepy smile. "Come on. It's gonna be a busy day" I murmured something on the lines of "Too tired, couldn't sleep." as my lazy body walked itself to the showers with a bundle of clean towels in hand. As the water hit my body, it didn't take long to remember that today was the long awaited school festival.
I was in my second year of high school and it was a day of great anticipation, yearned by everybody. Our school festival goes by the same routine every year, 1st grader performances in the morning, booths in every classroom, something special for lunch, musicals in the big halls, and a final stage at night, a night of passion. Similar routines get dull after a year or two, but who would refuse a day away from the heated classroom, the agonizing numbers, ongoing lectures, and disapproving looks? This day was a day of freedom, and all the more so as we have practiced for this day a long time.
Now, I don't know if everybody goes up on their first stage voluntarily, but going up on the stage was mandatory for us in high school. Every second year student had to participate in the class competition at night, which was set on the biggest stage our school had. Having a thousand eyes look at you while you're on stage is not an everyday thing and the thought of it gave my heart a rush. The afternoon went on full of fun and games and the night came quickly. We were all excited and nervous as last minute checks were made. Halls were busy with people screaming "How do I look?", "Where's my shoe? I had it here a minute ago!" and so on. Everyone was in panic as the time ticked closer.
When I finally made it up the stage my head was completely blank. The audience was covered in darkness and I couldn't see anything at all. As the music thundered through the hall I tried my best to focus on what I had practiced so hard on. From the stage, the audience was barely visible as it was too dark to see anything. The time flew by as we did one repertoire after another. As I got to the last few moments I was able to relax and enjoy the screams, gleaming lights, and rush of my heart. As I took light steps down the stage I realized that I had had more fun than I could have imagined, and as I looked back on the stage, it looked a bit more friendly than it did yesterday.
Going up on the stage was mandatory, but it was an unforgettable experience that I believe, changed me a lot. Now I know the excitement of the stage, and what it feels to go in front of so many people. Not only was it fun, but it gave me courage that would help me out for the rest of my life, and I am grateful for the exhilarating night that came by my way.
Byungwook Kim 201300476
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is how your express your first experience on stage.
2. Your main point seems to be what you learned by your first time on stage.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful!
-The air was hot and humid, just as any other summer morning, as I rose from my dorm bed.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved.
So what was the mistake? I think the overall writing would be far better if you tried to write more specifically.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is adding more details such as explaining more about the stage and audience.