The best way to describe my middle school math teacher is a Marine Corps drill sergeant. Miss Wallace used to be my math and P.E teacher. There was not a single day that I'd seen her without her tightly tied brown hair, black Oakley sunglasses, and tennis shoes. Miss Wallace had a better built body than an average female rugby player, and a temper more sensitive than a mine. During P.E she would scream at our faces with her thick Australian accent, and during math nobody failed because they couldn't afford to slack off with such an intimidating figure in the room.
Back in ninth grade I and my friends used to fold a piece of paper really tightly and folded it into an acute angle, and then we would shoot that folded paper with a rubber band like a slingshot. The force of the hit was really hard it would sometimes cause bruises. One day when Miss Wallace was writing something on the board I got my paper projectile out and decided to shoot a friend. I pulled the rubber band as far as I could and let my fingers release the bullet aimed for my target across the room. The projectile soared through the warm classroom air and headed directly for my target. Suddenly, in the midst of the flight as a result of faulty paper bullet production the aerodynamics made the bullet curve 90 degrees and hit Miss Wallace directly at the back of her head. "Who was that!" screamed Miss Wallace. "If somebody doesn't own up in ten seconds the entire class will be on lunch detention for the rest of the term!" The countdown started, and with that a whole scenario terrible things that would happen if I confessed came into my mind, but due to the guilt I would feel if my entire class had to suffer for my actions I stood up. "Ok see me after class" said Miss Wallace in a very calm yet intimidating manner. For the rest of the class my heart pounded like crazy. I had gotten into very many trouble in the past but this one was different, I felt like my life was at stake. I had to get myself out of this mess so I came up with a plan. When class ended I strategically timed and positioned myself not to be seen in between my classmates as they were getting out and threw a rubber band on the floor. I walked up to Miss Wallace with a poker face and said "I don't know if am the one who did it but I was fidgeting with my rubber band and I think it accidentally flung out of my fingers and hit you. Let me try and look of it. Aha I found it." Miss Wallace couldn't punish me when I pointed to the evidence on the floor. I walked out of that class without a single scratch.
To: Tae-Hwan Park From: Seon Hyuk Im
ReplyDelete1. Very clever story. It shows your wits. It's also very funny!
2. You main point seems to be that you have the brain to outsmart yourself in a bad situation. Don't do that too often, you'll be a butthole if you do it too much.
3. When you talked about aerodynamics, I thought you were some expert in science. You wrote very cleverly, and it made me giggle.
4. Some sentence lack punctuation, and they seem very lengthy because of it. You could use some fixing. There's too much for me to point out.
5. If you could use some punctuation to make pauses or just to make your sentences not look like a run-on, it'd be much better to read.
Funny story.
To. Tae-Hwan Park From.So-Eun Yoon
ReplyDeleteFinal feedback
a. The one detail that made your experience seem real was this part.
“There was not a single day that I'd seen her without her tightly tied brown hair, black Oakley sunglasses, and tennis shoes. Miss Wallace had a better built body than an average female rugby player, and a temper more sensitive than a mine.”
You described Miss Wallace so well that I could draw a clear picture of her in my head although I’ve never seen her or met her in person.
b. “Suddenly, in the midst of the flight as a result of faulty paper bullet production the aerodynamics made the bullet curve 90 degrees and hit Miss Wallace directly at the back of her head.”
This part was kind of confusing because the sentence was too long.
I think dividing up this sentence into two would make it so much clearer.
c. Yes, I think your first paragraph was a good way to start a story. By describing your teacher as a Marine Corps drill sergeant, you made the audience wonder what kind of a teacher she would have been and made us keep wanting to read your essay.
d. You are describing an incident that happened in ninth grade, so you wrote everything in the past-tense. You have written your entire verb tenses correctly without any confusion.
e. I like the way you ended your last sentence, but it would be better to give your essay a conclusion. I think without adding any new paragraph or sentences, you could just divide the second paragraph into a body paragraph and a conclusion.
Peer response
ReplyDeletea) One detail that made this experience seem real to you
It seemed real to me when the writer describes the teacher's figure from head to toe. I could clearly picture her figure in my mind with the given details about her.
b) Were there any places when you got confused?
I was not confused while reading the essay because of the specific details throughout the essay.
c) Reread the first paragraph. Good beginning? Continue reading?
I think it has a good beginning. The teacher he described was quite an interesting character who drew my attention so I would continue reading to figure out what had happened to this person.
d) What is the basic verb tense? Changes the tense? Appropriate?
The writer used the past verb tense except for the first sentence in the first paragraph. The rest was written in the past tense, which seems appropriate since he is describing the past experience. He could have used "the best way to ~ would be a Marine Corps drill sergeant" in the first sentence if he wants to keep the verb tense completely consistent.
e) What would like to know when revising?
I would recommend the writer divide the essay into more than two paragraphs so that it is more reader-friendly. Also, he could talk about how this experience affected him or what he has learned from it in the end of the essay.
Soohee Oh
The best way to describe my middle school teacher is a Marine Corps drill sergeant. Miss Wallace used to be my math and P.E teacher. There was not a single day that I'd seen her without her tightly tied brown hair, black Oakley sunglasses, and tennis shoes. Miss Wallace had a better built body than an average female rugby player, and a temper sensitive as a mine. During P.E she would scream at our faces with her thick Australian accent, and during math no student of hers dared to slack off.
ReplyDeleteBack in ninth grade my friends and I used to fold a piece of paper really tight into an acute angle, and we would shoot that folded paper with a rubber band like a slingshot. The force of the hit was really hard it would cause bruises sometimes. During paper bullet production if you did not fold the paper correctly, the bullet would curve and end up in places you did not aim for. One day when Miss Wallace was writing something on the board I got my paper projectile out and decided to shoot a friend. I pulled the rubber band as far as I could and let my fingers release the bullet aimed for my target across the room. The projectile soared through the warm classroom air and headed directly for my target. Suddenly, in the midst of the flight the aerodynamics made the bullet curve and hit Miss Wallace directly at the back of her head. "Who was that!" screamed Miss Wallace. "If somebody doesn't own up in ten seconds the entire class will be on lunch detention for the rest of the term!" The countdown started, and a whole scenario of terrible things that would happen to me if I confessed came into my mind. However, I could not let my entire class suffer for my actions so I stood up. "Ok see me after class," said Miss Wallace in a very calm yet intimidating voice. For the rest of the class my heart pounded like crazy. I had gotten into a lot of trouble in the past but this one was different because I felt like my life was at stake. I had to get myself out of this mess so I came up with a plan.
When class ended and people were heading for the door I strategically positioned myself in between my classmates not to be seen. As the crowd covered me from Miss Wallace’s sight I threw a rubber band on the floor. I walked up to Miss Wallace with a poker face and said "I don't know if I am the one who hit you but I was fidgeting with my rubber band and I think it accidentally flung out of my fingers and hit you.” As I had anticipated Miss Wallace gave me a look of suspicion so I said “Let me try and look of it. Aha I found it." Miss Wallace couldn't punish me when I pointed to the evidence on the floor. I walked out of that class without a single scratch.