A Fine Mistake
"Whew", I finally feel relieved after checking hot topics in the Internet. That is what I habitually do whenever I sober up. When I drink, I become the most miraculous animal in the world. I metamorphose into various things: When I drink, I am a whale inhaling tons of alcohol and after I drink, I am an old lady with Alzheimer who throws away everything in her brain. My amazing metamorphosis makes me wake up in anxiety and led me to make a fine mistake.
That night I met a boy named Kim Donghui, who I met at blind date before. We go out to Hongik university and ate grilled pork cheeks. And of course we drank. After drinking a lot, we impulsively moved to Yeouinaru, which is one of the most beautiful date courses. As you know, a loaf of bread is better than the song of many birds. So, we bought Takoyaki at a truck and we send out for Kyochon chicken that we both love passionately. Since I am a heavy drinker, I could not help drinking more.
The following day, I woke up late with massive hangover. I did not have any idea and I did not want to and I even could not. After staring the wall in my room for a while, I picked up my phone to check what time it was. I realized that he sent me a text message and I mindlessly checked it. At the moment, my hangover was hanged and over. His message made me totally sober: "So it is the first day of our relationship! Let's be happily together!" Suddenly the memory of the last night passed by panoramically. And I found something wrong happened. But I could not tell him to forgive my rash judgment and I had to continue meeting him even though I did not want to. Since I had never had a boyfriend before, I was very cautious about meeting the opposite sex.
Undergoing this process, I became his girlfriend and he became my boyfriend. Although I first thought that it was a colossal mistake, it surely was a golden chance. He is a really good man who loves me more than anyone, who always considers my feeling and who gives priority to me. We have spent almost five-hundred-days as he said, "happily together."
P.S. Although there are some rough expressions and grammatical errors, I hope for your understanding. Because it is an assignment writing "the first draft."
Wow! I think it's my first time to hear about your love story. I had no idea that you guys got together as a mistake. I could not have even imagined because I see you guys together very often and you guys look so happy together. Anyways, I liked that your writing was very specific and also very honest. I know how you act when you are drunk. And I could relate to this story very well. I believe that your point is that eventhough you started dating Donghui as a mistake, you love him and that you made a good decision. Good for you!
ReplyDelete-Jieun Kim
To Choi Yun From Suhan Lee Assignment the First Draft
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that this is your honest and true love story which continues until now. It is like a funny sitcom I've watched on TV.
2. Your main point seems that some unexpected chance, even though it could seem quite unfortunate, can be a good fortune.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
-I metamorphose into various things: When I drink, I am a whale inhaling tons of alcohol and after I drink, I am an old lady with Alzheimer who throws away everything in her brain.
I think this is quite cute and creative expression. Actually, I cannot fully understand what it means because I don't drink, but I think it is a quite fitting comparison.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively:
-I did not have any idea and I did not want to and I even could not.
I cannot clearly understand this sentence. I feel it's a redundant when I read it.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is that it would be better to express your emotions when you dated with him. It feels like rather just decribing than explaining.
Byungwook Kim 201300476
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is your how you express yourself as alcohol drinking whale.
2. Your main point seems to be the explanation of the incident how you met your boyfriend.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful!
-When I drink, I am a whale inhaling tons of alcohol and after I drink, I am an old lady with Alzheimer who throws away everything in her brain.'
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved.
So what was the mistake? It will definitely make the story far more interesting if you me mention it in your second draft.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is its duplicity and choice of words.
A Fine Mistake
ReplyDelete“Whew,” I finally feel relieved after checking whether I am ranked on the Internet hit lists. This is what I habitually do as soon as I sober up. When I drink, I become the most miraculous animal in the world. I metamorphose into various creatures: When I drink, I am a whale inhaling tons of alcohol and after I drink, I am an old lady with Alzheimer who flings aside everything in her head. My amazing metamorphosis makes me wake up with a start and leads me to commit a faux pas. Then one day, I was drifted into a fine mistake.
That night was just a normal mistake-making day. I drank a lot as a daily routine. I had a dinner date with a boy named Kim Donghui, whom I met at a blind date before. We go out to Hongik university and ate grilled pork cheeks, which was not a common meal for first met boy and girl. After that, we impulsively moved to Yeouinaru, where we could enjoy beautiful harmonization of Han River and skyscrapers. As you know, a loaf of bread is better than the song of many birds. So, we ran ahead to Takoyaki truck and we also sent out for Kyochon chicken which enthuse both of us. According to your expectation, I, one of the heaviest drinkers in HUFS, could not help drinking more.
The following day, I woke up late with a massive hangover. My sick stomach kept me from getting my feet so I had to just stare the wall of my room. I did not have any idea and I even did not want to. After spending quite a while staring the wall, I picked up my phone to check what time it was. Then I realized that he sent me a text message and I mindlessly checked it. At the moment, my hangover was hanged and over. His message made me completely sober: “So this is the first day of our relationship! Let’s be happily together!” Suddenly the memory of the last night passed panoramically. And at the same time, I found something wrong happened. Literally, in a single night, I and he were on a romantic relationship! It was especially staggering in my case. Since I had never had a boyfriend before, I was very cautious about meeting the opposite sex. But I could not redeem my mistake. I could not ask his forgiveness for my rash judgment. So I had to continue meeting him even though I did not want to.
Undergoing this process, I became his girlfriend and he became my boyfriend. Although I first thought that I made a terrible blunder, it surely was a golden chance. It was nothing but a blessing in disguise. He was a fine man who loved me more than anyone, who always considered my feeling and who gave priority to me. And now, we are known to be a devoted couple who have been spent more than five-hundred-day, as he said, “happily together.”
-Choi Yun-