One shiny day, when I was nine years old, I was crying out loud. I ran to the nurse's office. Every student around was staring at me out of curiosity. There was blood all over my face and I cried and cried because I was so scared. I was terrified by the blood all over my face when I saw the mirror in the nurse's office.
"What am I supposed to do?" I cried out loud.
The nurse could not reply. She was busy trying to contact my parents and wiping the blood from my face. It was a total disaster for me. I never thought it would go this far. I was just hanging out with my friend and we started threatening each other for some reason that I cannot recall. I threatened him with a large stick and he got so scared that he threw a stone at my face. It immediately hit my forehead, and before I ever got to notice anything, blood came gushing out of my forehead.
By the time I got too tired from crying, my parents came to school. They were also very shocked. Seeing their little girl with blood all over her face must not have been an easy thing. They immediately took me to the hospital. I went in the operating room and I was put under anesthesia. Actually, they injected it through my forehead, so I screamed out loud. It was too painful for a 9-year-old girl to handle. Consequently, I got 6 stitches on my forehead. It took me a while to make it somewhat invisible. But I can still feel and see it when I closely look into it.
In addition, every time I feel the scar on my forehead, I always tell myself that I should never go too far when I am carrying a practical joke, and that I should be careful at any situation that could lead to a terrible disaster.
To Ji-Eun Kim From CJH Assignment First Draft
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is: that it is descriptive enough that I could imagine.
2. Your main point seems to be: never go too far since it could lead to a terrible disaster.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines: I like them because:
1) blood came gushing out of my forehead./ it is descriptive
2) Actually, they injected it through my forehead, so I screamed out loud. It was too painful for a 9-year-old girl to handle. Consequently, I got 6 stitches on my forehead. / I can see how painful it might have been
3) never go too far when I am carrying a practical joke, and that I should be careful at any situation that could lead to a terrible disaster. /teaches you an important lesson
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
Lines or parts: Need improving because:
must not have been an easy thing.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is: maybe indenting every paragraph and spelling out the numbers. Overall, I enjoyed reading your story. :)
To. Ji-Eun Kim From. So-Eun Yoon Assignment no2.
ReplyDeleteHello Ji-Eun~ I enjoyed reading your story. So here’s my feedback!
1. What I love about your writing is your use of vivid expressions that allows the readers to really imagine what the accident must have looked like in real-life. I can really see how shocking that accident must have been to you when you were only a small kid.
2. Your main point seems to be how shocked you were when the accident happened and the lesson you learned from this happening.
3. This line struck me as powerful.
“One shiny day, when I was nine years old, I was crying out loud. I ran to the nurse's office. Every student around was staring at me out of curiosity. There was blood all over my face and I cried and cried because I was so scared. I was terrified by the blood all over my face when I saw the mirror in the nurse's office.”
I love how you started your story. It really makes the readers wonder what made you bleed so much and how much trouble you were in just by reading these first few lines.
4. I think this line could be improved.
“In addition, every time I feel the scar on my forehead, I always tell myself that I should never go too far when I am carrying a practical joke, and that I should be careful at any situation that could lead to a terrible disaster.”
I actually like the fact that you wanted to end your story with a lesson you learned from this experience, but I don’t think “In addition” was the right phrase to start a conclusion.
It could have been better if you had just erased that part and started with “Every time.”
5. I think the biggest improvement you could make to your writing is ending your story with as strong a conclusion as your introduction.
1.I like different word choices you made, such as gushing out or consequently.
ReplyDelete2. I think you were trying to talk about a terrible incident you went through and what you learned from it.
3. I like the part where you wrote "The nurse could not reply." I think it makes the incident you wrote about more realistic, because that is usually what happens when a child gets badly hurt. I think if you wrote that the nurse was trying to calm you down, it wouldn't have gave me much impact.
4. I am confused about the word choice you made. I think you can pick a better word rather than 'immediately' in the second paragraph, because it might sound like the rock had it's own will to hit you.
5. I like how you wrote in short sentences because it really made me read through it with speed, which fits the story of your writing. However i think a little more detail can add up more rythem to it. Great story!
Choi Hyo-jung
Choi Hyo-jung
ReplyDelete: Oh! sorry I wrote third on this writing! When i was writing the comment there was only one comment before me...
201300854 Jieun Kim -Final Draft-
ReplyDeleteThe memory of blood that I can never forget
One shiny day, when I was nine years old, I was crying out loud. I ran to the nurse’s office. I was screaming, “Help me, help me!!” Every student around was staring at me out of curiosity. There was blood all over my face and I cried and cried because I was so scared. I was terrified by the blood all over my face when I saw the mirror in the nurse’s office.
“What am I supposed to do?” I cried out loud.
The nurse could not reply. She was busy trying to contact my parents and wiping the blood from my face. It was a total disaster for me. I never thought it would go this far. I was just hanging out with my friend and we started threatening each other for some reason that I cannot recall. I threatened him with a large stick and he got so scared that he threw a stone at my face. At first, I did not even think of avoiding it because I really did not think that it would hit my forehead that hard. However, it immediately hit my forehead, and before I ever got to notice anything, blood came gushing out.
By the time I got too tired from crying, my parents came to school. They were also very shocked. The screamed, “What happened to my little girl!?”. Seeing their daughter with blood all over her face must not have been an easy thing. They immediately took me to the hospital. I went in the operating room and I was put under anesthesia. Actually, they injected it through my forehead, so I screamed out loud. I shook my arms and legs to get out of this pain. It was too harsh for a 9-year-old girl to handle. Consequently, I got 6 stitches on my forehead. It took me a while to make it somewhat invisible. But I can still feel and see it when I closely look into it.
In addition, every time I feel the scar on my forehead, I always tell myself that I should never go too far when I am carrying a practical joke, and that I should be careful at any situation that could lead to a terrible disaster.