Every morning, I exercised at gym in school. In front of the gym, there is International conference hall. So I would pass by International conference hall every morning. Whenever I pass this place, it reminds me of memory of last year.
I was an ordinary student. So I'd envied cool guys for a long time. I'm not talking about appearance. I more envied people who are absorbed in their passion and feel catharsis in that. When Jisung Park cheer after scoring a goal, When Yiruma smiled after he played the piano like he was possessed, they looked so attractive. I envied them so much. I have asked myself since when I was high school student. "When can I look cool?" Even after I became a university student, I couldn't find answer about that question.
And when the question was already forgotten, I got a chance to give a presentation about travel. I hoped to share my story and feeling to audience. But there was a problem ; Stage Fright. I was so nervous whenever I stood on stage. 'What should I do?' I drank water and breathe deeply to overcome it, but it did not work. I couldn't remember anything and I couldn't contact eye. And then, I watched talk show about professional presenter who gave presentation for hosting the PyungchangOlympic games. She said she practiced about hundreds of times for 1 presentation. I realized that her confidence was from practice, and decided to practice more.
I drew a stage in front of my desk and practiced as if I was on the stage. I even visited stage when I couldn't imagine. It was an International conference hall. It was not big so made me comfortable. Light was so delicate that I could feel relax. Stage was not far from audience. I was satisfied with the place. After coming back home, I practiced again imagining the place. So I practice 100times. And I was on the stage. I was still nervous. But I said to myself. "I already practice 100times. I can do it" At first, I was still nervous but as time goes by, I could enjoy that moment. I could see the people and do eye contact. While I was on the stage, I was in my own world.
After presentation, people gave me applause and I felt catharsis. One of my friends said to me. "I'm proud of you. Today you're so cool." At that moment, I realized this is moment that I am cool. And I also realized that lots of efforts made me attractive. Whenever I pass the International conference hall, I could remember that feeling and the lesson of the day. It's meaningful and unforgettable place for me.
201301616 Yujeong Suh
ReplyDelete1. What did you like best about this essay? Be as specific as possible.
- I like the essay in that the essay is not just listing some facts and descriptions but shows readers writers' thoughts and feelings.
2. Did the writer describe the place clearly? List any parts that were not clear to you.
- So do you mean that you presented in International conference hall or otherwise you just practiced in International conference hall?
3. Did the writer appeal to the different senses? List two sensory details that you especially liked.
- Sight: It was not big so made me comfortable. Light was so delicate that I could feel relax. Stage was not far from audience.
- Sound: After presentation, people gave me applause and I felt catharsis. One of my friends said to me. "I'm proud of you. Today you're so cool."
4. How would you describe the mood or the atmosphere of this place?
- Not like its luxurious title(name), the place is quite comfortable, relaxing and small.
5. Why do you think the writer chose to write about this place?
- International Conference hall is meaningful and memorable to the writer in that it is the first place that made the writer himself think that he is cool. So I think that is why the writer chose to write this place.
6. How could the writer improve this essay when he or she revises? Make only one suggestion.
- I think the overall message of your writing is clear and good. However, it would have been better if you had described about the actual place. (Since the core of this essay should be about place) For example, you can write about the interior of the International Conference hall, how the stage and the audience seats were set and how you felt when you first came inside the place.
To Haeung Jung from Na Shil Hwang
ReplyDelete1. What "I liked about this essay was that the writer explained about his experience not just about one part but gave meaning to a specific place.
2. I thought that the writer would have written something about being in the international conference hall, but later on realized that it was a connection to his experience. - Meaning that the place seemed to have some meaning but it wasn't very clear on how and the atmosphere of the place (although it's imaginary)
3. The write appealed to mostly visual and sounds.
I liked the part when his friend told him that he was cool
Also I liked when he thought about the international conference hall
4. I think the atmosphere and the mood is calm and steady
5. I think he wrote about this place because he wanted to write a place that had a meaning for him and about his goals in his life
6. I think that the overall writing is good however I think that it would be better if more sensory details were added and about the experience maybe if he actually had been to the conference hall and had explained about the place specifically (and then maybe imagine there)
Second draft(Haeung Jung)
ReplyDeleteEvery morning, I exercised at gym in school. In front of the gym, there is International conference hall. So I would pass by International conference hall every morning. Whenever I pass this place, it reminds me of memory of last year.
I was an ordinary student. So I’d envied cool guys for a long time. I'm not talking about appearance. I more envied people who are absorbed in their passion and feel catharsis in that. When Jisung Park cheer after scoring a goal, When Yiruma smiled after he played the piano like he was possessed, they looked so attractive. I envied them so much. I have asked myself since when I was high school student. “When can I look cool?” Even after I became a university student, I couldn't find answer about that question.
And when the question was already forgotten, I got a chance to give a presentation about travel. I hoped to share my story and feeling to audience. But there was a problem ; Stage Fright. I was so nervous whenever I stood on stage. 'What should I do?' I drank water and breathe deeply to overcome it, but it did not work. I couldn’t remember anything and I couldn't contact eye. And then, I watched talk show about professional presenter who gave presentation for hosting the PyungchangOlympic games. She said she practiced about hundreds of times for 1 presentation. I realized that her confidence was from practice, and decided to practice more.
I drew a stage in front of my desk and practiced as if I was on the stage. I even visited stage when I couldn’t imagine. It was an International conference hall. At first, it looked like just theater. It was not big so made me comfortable. Light was so delicate that I could feel relax. Stage was not far from audience. Two presenter and two roll screen there. I was satisfied with the place. After coming back home, I practiced again imagining the place. So I practice 100times. And I was on the stage. The feeling was not different as first time. It was still comfortable. I moved toward stage and said to myself. “I already practice 100times. I can do it” Although I was nervous at first, as time went by, I could enjoy that moment. I could see the people and do eye contact. While I was on the stage, I was in my own world.
After presentation, I could listen to loud applause. I felt catharsis. One of my friends said to me. "I'm proud of you. Today you’re so cool." At that moment, I realized this is moment that I am cool. And I also realized that lots of efforts made me attractive. Whenever I pass the International conference hall, I could remember that feeling and the lesson of the day. It’s meaningful and unforgettable place for me.