A Change of Heart
If I watch TV shows, movies, and dramas and read books that are related to family stories, such as Finding Nemo, Gameplan, The Parent Trap, and Gashi-goki; I would always feel my heart feel moved about how the families unite together after when the father changes from an experience and I could see family harmony resulting from it. I have seen many foreign families where the father and mother would spend lots of time and give mounds of love to their children even in movies, and in real life situations.
However, I haven't really had the chance to be able to experience it the same way from my parents until I became an adult. My father had gone through unspeakable events in his life and if I were to write them all on paper, it would be a novel. As I had a transition in life by moving from a country to the next, so did my father, but in more of astounding change. While growing up, he had taken extreme steps which are probably the most difficult to make in his life, and he had gained a unique experience unlike others.
I have always thought that my life with my family was sad and unfortunate, and always compared myself to my friends around me. They were always with their families, their parents came to school for soccer practice, plays, games, shows, and whenever they did something special, their parents would always come to appreciate and cheer for them. However, my parents, especially my father were always busy with their work and they often came home late which meant that I would be eating home alone or with my brother who was still a little boy, when I came home from school. I did not realize it back then, but I had held a grudge towards my father, for not always being there, but being scary and getting angry when I cried.
My father was the one to punish me when I did something wrong, and although he wasn't brutal, but I was always so scared and had a sense of fear towards him. He was the typical Korean father, the one in power over the family. Not using honorific expressions, or doing something wrong, was unacceptable in front of my father. I never really felt like I had freedom do or say something in front of him.
My father, is almost 60 now. To add on, he has lived through more than three cultural changes. He was born in a family of 8 children, being the 2nd son of the family. He was born in a very small town of Gwang Yang city the central southern coast of JeollaNam-do province. Even until today, this place is considered as one of the rural areas in Korea. His older brother, was diagnosed with polio when was 7 years old, which meant that my father had to be the one to do most of the work in the family. My father's family did not have a lot to eat back then and did not always have enough white rice, so they would eat rice mixed with barely. Since the family did not live in a city, my grandparents had a family-ran farm to feed themselves.
This typical daily life described by my father was actually something that was difficult to understand. I never thought that my father had experienced childhood which was completely distinct from mine. His life in total was a series of ups and downs.
I asked my father how he remembered his father. I saw his facial expressions change to a certain degree of mixed feelings. It was not regret I saw, neither anger. I was only able to glimpse a small emotion of sorrow within all his facial expressions. He said, "I never can remember my father telling me that he loved me. He was always so scary." I was completely shocked. How could a father never tell his son that he loved him? Then I realized, my grandfather was also scary to my father, as my father was scary to me. My father only had followed what he had learned from his father, by being scary and strict. "I barely could talk in front of him, it was like being in a military situation." My father explained. It was difficult to imagine how scary my grandfather was to my father, since my father today is a very loving father.
I asked about his past. I was surprised when he said in a monotone voice, "One thing I remember from my past is when I was punished and beaten by my father." Although the past Korean times were rough, it still shocked me to see that the Confucianism views had been prevalent back then even after the Korean War. He also said that he had to work in the farms and orchards before he had to go to school, and it was a tedious task. He even mentioned he was often late for class because he had to finish all the farm work he was required to do since there was no one else to do the work.
My father's memories seemed so gloomy, frightening and bleak. His past life in Korea seemed something like a nightmare compared to today. He wanted to do so many things. "It was difficult to get an education back then," he mentioned, "and I was lucky since I could finish high school. But after I graduated, my father wanted me to become a nickel silver pot seller." I knew that living life in the past was difficult, but not getting the required education seemed depressing. He went on and mentioned that he decided to go become an air pilot, but he did not make it since his flat feet made him inadequate for required physical standards. "I was very upset, but I think that there was a reason why I failed. Soon, I realized that I was meant for something more. I was meant to go to the Philippines." He said.
When I started to ask my father about his life after moving to the Philippines and after all these topsy turvy experiences, his voice started to lighten up. I asked him about how life was in the Philippines. It was so obvious that it would be a different story from mine, since it is told from my father, who was already an adult when he was moving to the Philippines, and had experienced the rapidly growing Korea before leaving it.
He compared his past life in Korea and to his life now. My father seemed to be excited to explain about his life just before moving to the Philippines. He said in a light tone, "the greatest accomplishment I ever had done was to decide to go to the Philippines as a Taekwondo missionary." It was easy to see that my father had obviously knew which way he was going in life and where he would be headed to. I felt happy along my father explaining about his past experiences. "It felt completely dark and hopeless back in my hometown." He added, "I was so weighed down from the past, I used to be introverted and I could not speak well." It was difficult to see my father being an introvert, since my father today is definitely far from being an introvert. He is a speaker, preacher, and a Taekwondo master. If someone was an introvert, they could not do these things. "While I was training to become a missionary and preached, I met many people. Meeting more people helped me to gain confidence and leaving the rural area to a big city and experiencing a new culture, changed me." My father explained. He went on talking about how different the Philippines was compared to Korea. He had met tons of people, and experienced so much in the Philippines too. My father's personality had changed gradually over the years. He was a scary father like my grandfather at first, but as time passed, he became a completely different person from many gained experiences around him. He said this was because of God's grace. As he had changed from being an introvert to an extrovert, he has also changed from a scary father to a lively, fun, and loving father. The cultural difference between my father's past and today, has formed who my father is today.
I learned to forgive my father for used to being so scary and frightening. He had apologized several years ago. I never expected my father to apologize at all. I recognized that my father also had dramatically changed from his past.
The most current memory I have of my father is when I was watching a TV program with my father about a month ago. It was about a famous Korean singer, In Soon-i, who had an African American father she did not know, however sang a song about him with full emotions. I felt the deep emotions stirring inside me while watching the show. I realized that my eyes were tearing up, even to think about her situation and mine. It was not the same experience but I had a deep emotion of forgiveness and respect toward my father, like she did. But one thing I never realized that I would see, was to see my father tearing up and wiping away his tear quietly. It was a moment I had to keep deep inside my heart and realize how much he has changed.
